What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 12:07
It was going to be , some day.
Put me off passion for life!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What was your worst experience while living with roommates?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
(And it was in our own minds.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Astronomers discover the largest 'ultramassive' black hole ever seen - Earth.com
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
President Trump kicked Zelensky out of the White House. Is it over for a deal?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Did you ever accidentally have sex with your brother/sister in India?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Can being annoyed be a sign of getting angry?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What should you answer when someone says to you in French, "au plaisir de vous revoir"?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was very sick at this time too.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What did i know ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
We all went to grammer schools
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She wouldn,t have been !
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was 9 years of age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot live in the past .
My family never makes their pension either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im still living with it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My life is so biszare .
I was scared of men, in general
I think the readers, may guess!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I will be 64.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were not on the streets..
But it wasn’t much.
Ive learnt so much.
Would this be the day?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I waited trembling.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
All the time i was locked up.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was in good health!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So, i spoilt her more .
She married twice! .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I don,t even have a pension.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Comes on , in middle age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He knew the spot.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I said to her
So whats the point in blame.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I have no regrets .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..